illegitimi non carborundum

Okay, so I officially have a knot in my stomach. It's been a tough morning, for a multitude of reasons. The first reason - and the source of my knot - being that I have my first anxiety group meeting today. Yikes. Every fiber of my being *really* wants to skip out and pretend like everything is fine. But I know I can't do that. It's just so hard to face all of your worst fears, and to talk about them with a group of people you don't know. I'll probably cry, and then get embarrassed for doing so.

I'm also just having a weird week. I had my five year college reunion over the weekend, which was so wonderful. I was able to transport myself back to a spectacular time in my life, where I was surrounded by brilliant, funny women. But re-entry into everyday reality has been difficult. All my sadness came flooding back. I really just want to finish the next few weeks of school so I can be officially on summer break. I don't want to do any of the upcoming projects. I'm stuck in that place where I don't know what to do with myself. I know I should just do my work - which I've been doing a little bit - but I end up just spacing out and wandering around.

Another thing I've been thinking about since the weekend is how frustrating the concept of success is in our world. Let me explain. I really am excited about the field of muscular therapy, and think it's important. I'm ready to really do my part to expand and legitimize the field. But I have to say, it was really hard to go back to Mount Holyoke and hear about what everyone else is doing - working on Ph.Ds, M.D.s and all kinds of fancy degrees; saving third world countries from poverty; mapping genome sequences in upscale biotech firms. It cemented my thirst for more academic pursuits, and made it tough to return to MTI. And I feel like an asshole for even thinking that; it sounds elitist and haughty. But the truth is, I'm just not academically challenged right now. I'm certainly challenged in other ways - emotionally, spiritually, etc. - and that's wonderful. Perhaps that's just the way things have to be right now. My best friend M and I were discussing this very topic yesterday - we are so much alike in some ways, eh?

All of this thought brought back the age-old debate of: should we do something because we or because we can or because we want to? Ideally it's a synthesis of the two, but things don't always work out that way. I'm finding it difficult to find that happy medium. I know I could go to med school if I wanted - and I thought I did want that for a while - but realized I actually didn't really want to. I didn't want to lead a life where you were pushed to the edge for many years in order to learn how to heal others (kind of oxymoronic, right?). I didn't want to sacrifice spending time with loved ones and creating a family because I had to work all the time.

Ultimately, I'm happy with the choices I've made thus far. I do value lifestyle and happiness over academic potential. But I'm still nagged by those feelings of "you could have done better, and more" every so often. I wonder if my opinions would change if I felt society were different? It really irritates me that success is so focused on quantifiable reasons. Why is it that when people publish a book or make a scientific discovery they get written up in our alumnae quarterly? Yet if someone wrote in and said she had found true happiness and finally made peace with herself, that wouldn't warrant a single entry? Not that I don't find the former triumphs worthy, but I just wish the more qualitative skills made a similar impact.

Sigh. That's enough ranting for now, I suppose. Back to my lame-o project.