illegitimi non carborundum

So here is my first official report from Burlington. Things are going well here, though I had a tough day yesterday. I went to get my car inspected and found out that I need to put a good $700 into it before it would pass inspection. The car is only worth about $1800, and I've been wanting to get another car for a good long while.... though I was hoping this one would get me through the wedding without sinking any more cash into it. So. Now I am jobless, apartmentless, and carless. And I have a wedding in four months to pay for. Ack! I sound much more cavalier about it today, though I was in tears all afternoon and evening yesterday. There is a bigger frustration underneath all these money woes. I REALLY pride myself on being self-sufficient; I don't ask anyone for anything. I want to be able to take care of myself, always. Even though it's impossible for us to not have help with this wedding, I hate that both of our parents are chipping in. I wish that we could just do the whole thing ourselves.

I also talked to one of my best friends yesterday, E. I was relaying the story of my failed inspection and how shitty I felt about it all. She offered to help me out a bit financially, which of course was totally sweet and well-intentioned. But I couldn't help but feel that my pride was wounded. I guess I thought that by the time I was 28 I'd have more shit figured out, that I would be more settled. But here I am, ten years after being voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school, feeling like I'm starting from scratch. Fucking superlatives.

So my goal is to learn to cut myself some damn slack. I just moved to another state, and am spending lots of time figuring out the best apartment and job situation. I do have a likely possibility for working one day a week. It would be on my own, for myself, but it's in a place where there is a collective of bodyworkers. So there is support from other practitioners as well as having the office details taken care of. It's called Pathways to Wellbeing, and it seems like just the right spot for me. Keep your fingers crossed....