illegitimi non carborundum

Ok, folks. It's time to turn my life around. I can't take any more of this roller coaster ride at the moment - one minute I'm elated that things are falling into place, and the next I'm bored and lonely and depressed, gorging myself on chocolate (though I seem to spend more time in the latter phase). The madness must stop, at least temporarily.

We're moving back to Boston. In 10 days. It's a bit of a mindfuck to have spent the past almost-year planning my life in Vermont, only to move back to Boston. It was really hard to work the massage gig up here; and not only that, I couldn't find any other exciting/fulfilling work to do the other half of the time. L never had any luck here, either, and it was such a toll on ourselves and our relationship to have him commute between the two places. I feel like this is the right decision for us - there is good work for both of us down there right now. And it's really important for both of us to feel like we have careers that we enjoy and that can sustain our lifestyle. I'm amazed at what it's done to my self-esteem to have only worked part-time (despite my best efforts) for a while... it just feels like I'm not pulling my own weight. Not that L would ever feel like I wasn't participating, but it makes me feel really dependent. Which I loathe.

Another reason this is such a mindfuck is that I've completely shifted my life up here. L has remained half in Boston, half here... so much of his life remained far away - his job, his doctors, vast majority of his friends (hard to meet new people when you work at home). I think it feels like even more of an overhaul for me because up here is where all my important people and stuff are. And now I have to leave that? Again?

I really don't want to sound like Debbie Downer all the time. There are lots of good things, too. I just feel so confused about my life right now, and I don't do well without some amount of structure. When I have too much time on my hands, bad things ensue. I withdraw from my world and become bored yet apathetic. It's not a healthy existence. So it's a positive thing that I will soon again be busy and productive. I took a job again with the Harvard School of Public Health - not exactly the same job as I had before, but similar. It's not fascinating work, but I never dreaded it. It pays decently, has good benefits, and will allow me to focus more energy on my massage work - especially since I'll have a regular paycheck. I plan to work as an independent contractor doing massage at a gym for a company that sounds great - very similar to the place I work at now here in VT (though this gym has a few thousand members instead of 50). I actually went to the open house for it last night, and spent a few hours giving free 10-minute massages with the other therapist. Gave out a couple of cards, met some nice people, and hopefully scored a couple clients out of the deal. We'll see.

It's funny, I think underneath all this there's a part of me that just wants to fit in somewhere again. Half of my friends are settled, dealing with weddings and babies. The other half are off pursuing wonderful careers - finishing grad/med school, seizing all these opportunities that the world has to give. I don't quite fit in to either of those categories. Not that I have to, and not that those are the only options. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why the hell I've been feeling so lost in limboland.

I saw an inspiring video a few days ago with my mom (who's seen it before) called 'The Secret.' It's a documentary about spirituality, sort of along the same lines as 'What the Bleep.' If you can look past the melodrama and sensationalized nature of the film, it had some really neat things to say. Many different authors, visionaries, spiritual guides, metaphysicists, etc discussed how they found happiness -- through the Law of Attraction. Whether it be related to financial wealth, good relationships or just general happiness, the whole key is that we create our own reality. When we think about debt all the time, that's the energy we're sending out into the universe, and inevitably more debt will come our way. It's the same principle as the Prosperity Game that I wrote about a little while ago. The idea is that when you put your wish for abundance out there - and truly believe it will happen for you - the universe will provide. Like my business teacher said, "successful people think about and talk about what they want." One of the more memorable lines that one of the interviewees spoke about was something that Mother Theresa said: that she had no interest in going to an anti-war rally; but if someone wanted her to attend a pro-peace rally, she would love to participate. Seems so true -- don't all those wars on drugs and wars on terrorism just seem to lead to more drugs and terrorism? Why not focus on what we want to be a part of, or believe in, instead?

So I'm trying to figure out how to adopt this type of thinking and feeling. It doesn't come naturally, but I think it's really important. Maybe it'll help me through this tight spot...