illegitimi non carborundum

I recently unearthed a bit of 'magnetic poetry' I wrote a while ago, and just happened to have jotted it down at the time:

Listen
translucent universe going down deep
cold smile beneath porcelain wax
yet there whispers a goddess
who speaks with her finger
change
concrete
to
velvet.

Somehow, this seems extremely pertinent right now. I've got to learn to stop being so hard on myself, and to figure out what I want out of life. I'm tired of being riddled with anxiety and indecisiveness. I want to experience more beauty and less boredom. I want to learn how to express my feelings better, and more often.

I woke up feeling pretty depressed. That first-thing-in-the-morning haze when I realize that I have to force myself to drive to a job I hate. I got into my car this morning and turned on the engine, amidst the freezing cold. I turned down Sixth Street, headed towards Vassar when all of a sudden I saw this man cross the street. He had a lame leg, and was exerting effort to make his way across the street. He looked as though he didn't have a care in the world.

This man gave me some hope. The best possible thing when you're feeling all dumpy and sad about your life is to be presented with someone who exemplifies strength. It's a good reminder that we're not alone, and cliche as it sounds, there are people everywhere having a tough time. Everyone's got their struggles, no one gets off scot-free. This doesn't resolve the issue, but it certainly makes me feel less alone, and helps put life in perspective.

So. I'm going to work on expressing what I'm feeling at the time, however ugly it happens to be. I know I won't ace it first time around, but that's okay. I just have to practice validating my own feelings and practice saying them aloud. For those of us who use audio as their 'background channel,' this is definitely challenging. But I really want to try.