illegitimi non carborundum

It happens when I'm alone. In my cubicle at the end of the day. Walking home, listening to music. Driving in the city at night. That's always when I think of her... when all the distractions around me are gone, when I myself have run out of distracting thoughts. It looms as the underbelly of my mind.

Sometimes I try to fight it off... no, no, no, not right now - I don't have the energy to go there. I can't bear to let those feelings pierce my heart. Occasionally I win the battle; usually I don't. Often the pain topples down like a landslide, and there isn't much I can do to stop it.

I miss her. It can be as simple as that - I miss her and she's not here. It can also be more complicated; where is she? Why? Swirls of bitterness, fear and sorrow interrupt my desperate attempts of light-heartedness.

I don't really want to talk about it, though I know I should. It just seems so very private; how can anybody really understand? (I know that's incorrect - people go through traumas everyday - but it always feels like you're alone in your pain.) I don't know how to feel any amount of comfort in discussing this. While I am *so* thankful for my support system, there's only so much people can do. Sometimes sympathetic eyes and invitations for hugs just makes me sink deeper. She's the only one I want to talk to about it, and I can't. Maybe I'll figure out a way to communicate with her spiritually, but I'm not there yet.