illegitimi non carborundum

Well. I just drove back from western mass, where I was visiting a good friend of mine from college. It was a wonderful evening with her, but an emotional one. We managed to hit upon every single struggle I'm currently dealing with. It was great because I apparently had a lot to say, and hard because now all of these emotions are swirling around in my head. I don't want to go into the details of everything, but one of the central themes was my present disconnect. For those of you who read my blog regularly, this is no surprising news. My tough times generally center around me feeling disconnected from my world. I'm feeling it very strongly this evening, and just lately in general. I feel as though I'm withdrawing from a good part of my world - the people around me, the things I'm interested in. I'm confused, I don't know what I want anymore. For you worriers, I'm okay - I'm certainly not going to do anything rash or stupid. I just feel pretty fucked up, and I want to hibernate for a little while. I want to take a hiatus from my life at the moment, and travel around the world and see new places. I don't want to be here in Boston, and I want to be alone. I want to cry. (In fact, I've been doing a lot of that lately.) I want to be outside, under the stars, in the middle of nowhere. I feel incredibly lost, and I'm not sure how to be found. Or even if I want to be found. I know this rambling isn't making much sense, but I don't care. It's the only way my brain - or soul - is working right now.

As fall approaches, my routine is going to change again. School starts next week, and I'll go back to working part time. Part of me is excited for a change of pace, part of me doesn't care at all. There is a limited amount of myself that is experiencing the outside world these days, so external change isn't such a huge deal. It's all this internal change and strife that I'm concerned about. I'm so fucking stuck in my head, and it inevitably leads to anxiety, panic, depression, and fatigue. There's a temporary reprieve when I launch myself into denial, or surround myself with lots of people, or "important" things to do. But in the dark quiet of nighttime, those demons rear their heads with ferocity. They're still there during the daytime, just more subdued.

I tried to go to bed a little while ago, but there's no quieting my mind or body at times like this. I feel my breathing go shallow, and my mind racing. And it's like I don't even want to try and calm down. I want to feel this pain, these intense emotions. Probably because I do such a good job of shutting them up so often. And probably because I have a little saboteur living inside, who just wants to fuck things up until I hit rock bottom. What is that all about?

It's a little embarassing that I'm writing all of this down in such a public forum. But it's after 1am, who would I call to talk about this with? Plus, I don't even know that I want to talk to anyone anyway. And I never write in my journal anymore... it takes too long, my brain works faster than I can write. So, here it is. Here I am, imperfect and emotional and at my lowest. Whatever.