illegitimi non carborundum

Maybe instead of toiling over what I want to be when I grow up, I should instead adopt the strategy often used by middle-school teenagers when they want to ask someone out:

WHICH CAREER PATH SHOULD I FOLLOW - PLEASE CHECK BOX:

- NURSE PRACTITIONER
- COPYEDITOR
- TECHNICAL WRITER
- INVENTOR WHO COMES UP WITH THE NEXT BIG IDEA
- BECOME A COMPUTER GEEK
- START MY OWN ____ BUSINESS
- WAIT FOR "INSPIRATION" TO STRIKE AFTER I HAVE BABIES
- FUCK IT ALL, DO NOTHING

I don't really want to fuck it all and do nothing, of course, but I get so frustrated trying to pinpoint what is I should spend my time doing. The problem is, my interests are so spread out that it's an impossible task. If I could only choose "be an all-around good person who practices on bettering herself and is decently smart, kind, and organized" then I'd be ALL SET. What does the world have to offer us 'Jack of all trades, masters at nothing' kind of people? I feel like our society isn't set up for people of this nature. You have to pick one thing, go to school for a spell, and then stick with that one thing long enough to have made it worth your while. Yeah, I tried that approach and it doesn't work for me. I'm too indecisive and I get bored too quickly. And personality-wise, I'm all over the place. How is it possible that I'm both a good, dedicated worker AND lazy? That I love being around people but they also make me anxious and want to withdraw? That I want recognition, financial compensation, and a challenging work environment but I don't want to do any of the things that it takes to get me there?

I'm sure all of these feelings are common, and I don't think I'm the only one who has idiosyncrasies like these to wrestle with, but it's so damn frustrating sometimes! Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe, deep down, I'm too scared to make a decision because then I have to deal with it? Maybe I'm just a masochist? I don't know.

I do know that I'm happy I quit the massage therapy gig. It's a tough job to do if you don't love it, and I never loved it. I don't love my RA job either, but that one is easier to not love - it doesn't take as much out of me, it pays better, and it allows me to do other things.

I'd like to figure out how to fuse together some of the things I do enjoy in a meaningful way. That way I'm using that 'jack of all trades' element to my advantage, instead of fighting it so hard.