illegitimi non carborundum

I hate feeling lonely. During my walk home from work today, I just started crying. It's weird how in the midst of a lot of 'right' things in my life, a few 'wrong' (and very big wrongs) things can make it all seem incredibly terrible. I basically felt completely and utterly alone. I don't know, I guess I feel like everyone else around me is moving on with their lives - whether or not they knew Cristi - and I'm still stuck in this swill. I stayed at work late tonight, maybe that's what instigated these emotions - everyone else had left around 3pm (as they usually do). As I was walking home, I remembered that it's precisely this kind of mood that made me want to talk to her. I feel lonely, melancholy, pensive, moody. She was the person who understood that part of me best, and she let me just be that way without trying to make me happy or snap me out of it. Though inevitably she did make me happy.

What would be perfect would be to go away and hang out on a sunny island somewhere. Call me an escapist, but hell, that sounds ideal right about now. I don't want to think about heavy, important things. I want to be in the sun and have floaty boat drinks. I want to meet new people who don't know me at all, and where I don't have any expectations of who they are. Basically, I don't want to be here. I'm going home next weekend, which will be good. Though home can be sort of stressful in its own right.

I think that something else I really need right now is to re-ground myself. I'm feeling so lost inside that I could really use some spirituality. I want yoga and meditation. I need to learn about this darker side of me. Not necessarily find the answers, because I don't really believe in answers per se. But do some sorting, and some exploring. This probably isn't making much sense, but I needed to verbalize some of this mess. And I'm not so good at writing in my journal anymore.