illegitimi non carborundum

Here we are, February 3rd. Today is the one year anniversary of Cristi's death. I am at home, wandering around, not entirely sure what to do with myself. I just woke up about an hour and a half ago... I was originally intending on going to work today, but couldn't bring myself to go this morning when the alarm woke me up.

The thing that will help - and is helping - me get through this day is all the support I have. I've already talked to several close friends, gotten wonderful emails, etc. I honestly don't know where I'd be without all these amazing people in my life.

Amidst all that support, I still hurt. Of course. My tears sting and my heart aches. There is a part of me that has died myself, and that hole is swollen today. Strange how it can feel like my knees will buckle beneath me if I stand up, a whole year later. A whole year. How is that even possible? I feel like I just talked to her the other day, how could that have been so long ago? Time really fucks you over sometimes.

One of the things that I miss the most about Cristi is the face she used to make when I told her something that I never told anyone before. Her eyes would go on forever, and the side of her mouth would turn up in a knowing smile. She was a force of nature, not to be fooled. She knew what I was going to say before I even opened my mouth. I never felt alone knowing she was out there, two emotional freaks of nature masquerading as always-sane individuals. Likewise, I could see into her brain and heart so easily, as if they were a mere extension of my own. I remember her telling me one day that if our relationship had a sexual element to it, she would be completely in love with me. It's so true, we were soul mates without the sex. I miss her more than even I will ever understand.