illegitimi non carborundum

I miss Cristi. I just spent the weekend with her mother and one of her best friends (now one of my friends), and our hangout times are always bittersweet. Interesting to talk and get to know them both more, but always leaves me with a pang of sadness that Cristi isn't here anymore. I also feel her absence especially strongly at times of mental chaos; when there is so much tumbling around in the noggin that I barely remember which way is up. I also just feel disconnected to a lot around me, which is always unsettling. It feels a lot like sleepwalking.

She would tell me her opinion, solicited or not, about what she thinks of my situation. Sometimes I would hate it because it was so brutally honest, and sometimes I would love it because she had the guts to tell me what I needed to hear. I miss how she would look me straight in the eye and speak straight from her soul. I could never fake anything around her; she could see through me like a piece of fucking saran wrap. Funny how my tough shell seemed so flimsy around her. And the same was true in reverse - I remember marvelling at how vulnerable she could be around me when she was such a hardass to everyone else.

I miss you, Red.